The Spanish Sundae Diet

 I give up. Isn't that supposed to be the first step? Oh, no, wait, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Ok, I have a problem, AND I give up. I'm pretty sure that's step 1 and 2 all together. The object of my defeat? Food. Food! Food of all things! Like basic necessity taken to the nth degree where it's not supposed to go, food.


I have different theories about why. And by different theories, I mean I've read about a hundred books that all tell me a different theory as to why I am overweight, or struggle with weight loss. None of them say it's because I don't do enough squats, because Lord Almighty that's one thing I do plenty of. None of them say it's because I don't spend enough time in the gym. I'm on a first name basis with most of the staff at my Lifetime Fitness. None of them say it's because I don't have enough lean muscle. I'm pretty positive Jillian Michaels herself would high five me if she saw me do a 130lbs seated row. However, all of them say that I'm not eating correctly. It's true! All of them.

Dr. Atkins hates me because I eat oatmeal.
Dr. Hyman hates me because I eat high fructose corn syrup.
Dr. Ornish hates me because I eat beef.
Paleo people hate that I eat potatos.
Jillian would take that high five back the minute she found out I don't count calories.
Bob would be sad if he heard I eat meat.
The low carb people want me to eat bacon and avoid bread.
The low cal people want me to eat bread and avoid bacon.
Everybody is frustrated that I don't like vegetables! Except for the extreme low carbers, they think it's just a mild problem.
The Mediterraneans think I eat too much Mexican.
And the Cabbage Soup People, well, who cares what they think?
Some folks want me to put maple syrup and cayenne pepper in my lemonade, but here's a problem, I don't like lemonade, and I probably don't like it with syrup and pepper too.
Dr Oz thinks I have too much sugar
Whereas the China Study thinks I have too little (what else is all of that rice going to break down into?)
The psych books just tell me to blame my parents (and the geneticists agree)

And I'm left doing chest presses and treadmill time, because EVERYONE thinks building muscle and doing cardio is a good thing. But the problem is, I still haven't figured out what to eat! So, I've lost a ton of weight. But, I've gotten to that point where my body is balancing all of the junk I eat with all of the calories I burn. In other words, I've plateaued for a few months. Oh, yeah, and every fitness professional says there's no such thing as a plateau. So, I haven't plateaued, I've stagnated. I've ceased to move down in weight. I've dropped a size or two, but nothing in the poundage. And that makes me angry. Because I have hundreds of dollars worth of books (yes, all of which I've actually read), and they all tell me, "don't believe this guy, he's a liar, do it my way!" or some variation therein. All I know is that I'm left frustrated and fat.

So, when I know what I need to change is my food, but I don't know what to change about my food, all I'm left with are Spanish Sundaes. Seriously, you should try them. They. Are. Awesome. Here's the recipe:

Java Chip Ice Cream (or just coffee flavored with chocolate chips or sprinkles)
Hot Fudge
Spanish Peanuts (or just salted peanuts)
Whipped Cream
Cinnamon

Combine. And you're welcome. There should be a diet that incorporates Spanish Sundaes. I'd definitely choose that one. Until then, I'll either be incredibly frustrated, or I'll go the eeny meeny minee mo method. Either way, as much as I feel like I should start today, with my next meal (lunch), I realize that my birthday is in six days and whatever progress I make now, I'll blow later. I still don't think that's a good reason to not start now, so I'll just continue to fret about it for the rest of the day.

If you need me, I'll be the girl in Kenpo dreaming about chips and salsa.