Sometimes All You Can Say is Wow.

Today is one of those days. Well, actually it started yesterday, but I'm still kinda basking in it now.


So, Wednesday I wrote the last blog as a form of a confession. Genuinely, I just thought, you know there have been so many people who have been supportive and encouraging, and I'm letting my fear and embarrassment keep me from not only doing what I desire, but also from being honest about where I'm at with a community who obviously loves me. And that's ridiculous. My fear was that I'd receive more than one friend's rebuke saying, "Kelly, you are squandering this opportunity you have to _____", or worse, "what a waste". I can be really mean to me, and for some reason, I fear that that means that you will be too. I know that most of us are our own worst critics, but isn't that just a pretty way of saying, sometimes most of us are really mean to ourselves?


So, instead of being mean to me, Wednesday night I got on the elliptical, and lifted weights. Not at the same time, I'm not THAT amazing! I kept my heart rate up, and started dripping some sweat in the work out room, and it was awesome! I even took pictures and recorded some of it as a way to look back on it one day and see how far I've come. Like this:

Yep, those are 5lbs weights, yes, I used to use 12lbs weights for lateral raises, but it's a start. Actually, technically, this was the last exercise I did in my work out the other night, so what you see here is 45 minutes of fatiguing my body with cardio, bench presses, squats, crunches, shoulder presses, and this. Repeat, then repeat again, and film yourself sweaty and out of breath.

Oh, and it took me like 45 minutes to figure out how to convert that from a video on my iphone, to a "movie" I could play in my blog. And it still isn't impressive. There may not be many video postings in the future until I learn how to actually make it look alright. Oh well, it was worth a shot!

After said workout, I went to bed a nasty, yet smiley, mess.

Thursday was a different story.

I have this habit of checking my email and Facebook when I wake up in the morning. Well, most mornings at least. This probably stems from my extremely extroverted soul saying, "If you're going to trap me in the house alone today while you look for work, you're at least going to give me the morning to have pseudo-social interaction through the internet". And because my inner Kelly can be extremely bossy, I got on Facebook and read my comments on the blog from the day before.

And then I read them 47 more times.

That's probably not much of an exaggeration.

Not only did I not have a single friend who said something about me being an ungrateful person who had a misappropriation of my time, but i had multiple friends tell me I had inspired them. Really? Me? Or, that God had used what I shared about getting back in step without shaming myself as a way to speak to their hearts  and souls. Again, really? He used me? What actually came out of my groggy little heart, and then my wide awake mind as I read and re-read all of the beautiful comments I got was, "There's no way. Really? What? Oh, wow! Look at that! Oh man, I love her. That was so sweet! Wow, she reads my blog? This is so cool. I can't believe that this has possibly impacted someone", and then it hit me, if this helped any one of these people truly, then maybe I'm not alone. Maybe we're not alone. Maybe this isn't about being embarrassed or ashamed, but maybe it's just about being alive and human on planet earth. Maybe I'm not looked down upon, maybe I'm loved. Maybe you're not looked down upon, and I know you're loved, because you're at least loved by me. Maybe when we fall off the wagon, we CAN just skip the step where we beat ourselves up as we watch said wagon just roll on by.

Maybe we can just say, "I fell down. And it hurt. But I'm back up, and I'm looking to kick a little ass".

I like that version better.

Thanks for helping me know that it's true.

So, I had some Kashi cereal for breakfast. And when I met with a friend for lunch, I had the salmon instead of a burger. And when I went home, I changed into my workout clothes and left immediately for the gym and got a killer back and biceps workout. And I did it all out of a heart that was excited and ready to kick some ass, rather than a heart that was crushed under the weight of my own self condemnation and judgement.

So, here's a very very real thank you to all of my friends and family who helped me experience that freedom! I pushed myself through that workout thinking about you, and your life giving words. Today my whole body is hurting, but I'm not sure that it ever hurt so good. Again, thank you.

And speaking of the gym, and thank yous, I also received this text message from my roommate Erica who happens to be a personal trainer at Lifetime. Adrianne is also known as the General from previous posts:

Whoever you are, thank you. I am blown away by your generosity. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you all for believing in me. Thank you for helping me choose life over shame, and hard work over hard judgement. Looks like I'll not only be getting some usage out of my home workout room, but I'll be gracing the doors of the Disney Land of gyms for the next few months too. Which is awesome, because right now my buns are so sore I could really use the hot tub.

That was probably too much information.

But it probably also made you giggle, and therefore it was worth it.

Talk to you soon!!!

Kelly