Beholding

This is a post I seriously considered making private. But then I debated (heck, I'm still debating until I hit the publish post button) whether or not that was ok. I mean, it's ok for me to have some private and some public thoughts, but ultimately what would be robbed if I come on here and talk about how I want to be honest and vulnerable, but then hide the posts that are the most honest and the most vulnerable? It'd make for a pretty lame blog. Actually, it'd just make for a lie I think.


So, so far, I'm planning on publishing. But that could all change. Because at the end of the day, sometimes I really am just a coward. I'm just scared enough about what you might think to say, "oh no! This one isn't funny! Throw something witty in Kell, or people won't like your blog". Except the problem with that thought is reality, and the fact that it isn't always funny. Frequently funny...like those moments when you fart on a treadmill and immediately give an accusing look to your neighbor. Mean, yes, but also kinda funny. Or when you drone on and on about skinny jeans and frappucinos. I knew I wouldn't spell that word right on my first try.


But then there's those moments where reality hits you right smack between the eye balls and says, "Shut it Kell, this one isn't funny", and all you can do is hang your head and admit that, yep, sometimes trying to lose weight isn't funny.


Tonight I had a conversation with a good friend that somehow turned towards men and women and what makes us different. Specifically in the realms of attraction. And while I don't want to get into all of the nuances and stereotypes here, I know that the truth is, being on the rejected end of attraction hurts. Being the girl that has the "great personality" or "cute face" is an incredibly lonely place to be. I understand that my weight is more than likely the biggest contributing factor to my singleness, but that kinda makes me want to scream and punch people. Which, on second thought, could also be a contributing factor. But about the weight, sometimes I just want to get a tshirt, or a sandwich board that says, "It's just skin. That's all. And it can change. It can get bigger, it can get smaller, it can be changed. Look past that, because I'm a girl with a heart. A very big heart, and I'd like to share it with someone who can look past the skin. After all, it's just skin".


I know very well that it's not just skin. I understand the risks of health problems and chronic illness. And I'm not discounting that. I guess I'm saying quite the opposite. I'm tired of being discounted because of the weight.


Maybe Cinderella lied to us. Maybe the Prince doesn't come in and see us covered in soot and say, "I'd like to love you anyways, because I know deep down, I get to have a Princess in the end". And before I get Jesus Juked I know that there's a true Prince who loves me, but somehow that just doesn't cure the ache in my heart when I see the rejection in men's eyes. I understand that I'm loved, but the truth of the matter is I so often wonder if I'm actually loveable. Goodness that sounds dramatic. But it's real.


It's probably just a pity party, but there you go. I'm throwing down my "if you've never had a pity party, you're probably a liar" card. In the mean time, I'm doing some serious thinking and planning, and hopefully even a little doing, because it is just skin. And it can be changed. I've already lost so much, and I can lose so much more. Until then, thank you all for being my Prince Charmings and Fairy Godmothers. You've been great friends, and your encouragement really fuels me.

For now, I'll keep trying to do the next right thing, and hoping that God really does bring around a man that is A) breathing, B) loves Jesus, and C) thinks I'm hot. All are non-negotiable.