1.25

This number is going to drive me crazy this week. It already has for most of last week.

Today is Sunday, so today starts week two of 5k training, and that means that all cardio must last for at least 1.25 miles. That's right. We're moving on up, and it's probably going to hurt. But hurting is ok if there's a purpose.

Which brings me to reason number two as to why 1.25 is driving me crazy. It's the amount of weight I gained last week. That's right. Gained. As in, not lost, but gained.

Which kinda makes me want to put my hand through a wall.

And no, it's not muscle.

Last week I had a bit of a breakdown wondering if I'd ever really get to a healthy weight and size (ok, really I just wondered if I'd ever be skinny and pretty enough for a boy, ANY boy, to fall in love with me, if for no other reason than so that my nieces would stop telling me how much I need to get married. But, that's probably too honest for a blog, so I just wondered if I'd ever get to a "healthy weight and size"). My conclusion was no.

Now before I start getting emails from friends yelling at me for being a pessimist, bear with me.

The idea of "not making it" is a fear I wrestle with all the time. Maybe it comes from a lifetime of thinking I had to "perform" to be loved. Maybe it's that good old fashioned "not good enough" tape that plays on repeat inside my head. I don't know. But it is most assuredly the place I go to when deep dark Kelly comes out to play.

And so I did something different this weekend. I cried. Not the, "wow, that really struck a chord in my heart" kind of crying, but the ugly cry. The snot filled, suffocation form of crying complete with potential for nervous break down kind of crying. This wasn't the "Hallmark commercial tear rolling down the cheek cry". This was the "uh oh, umm, I'm not sure what to do, but keep the sharp objects and addictive substances away from her" cry.

And it was good.

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this or not, but I'm pretty darn sure I'm not, but far too often I keep my feelings bottled up inside of me. Fear, nope, gotta be strong. Hurt, keep that to yourself Kell. No one needs to know your wounds. Anger, ooooh, that isn't polite. Mums the word. Stuff it all down inside and save it for a rainy day, or a margarita. And guess what? I've got hundreds of pounds of that B.S. Sitting inside of my body trying to make me lie down and give up.

In other words, the lies are trying to kill me.

And a lot of times I let them.

But not this weekend. This weekend I ugly cried. This weekend I talked with my best friend about my fears. And this weekend *might* have had a wee bit of rum involved (hey, I'm growing, not arrived!).

And this weekend I realized that I'm doing alright.

This weekend I decided that I've *GOT* to stop loving the future version of me, and learn that I can love Kelly just where she's at.

This weekend I realized how hard I am on me through the love of a good friend telling me to stop being mean to her best friend.

This weekend I read comments I've read a hundred times from friends who've got my back, and carry my heart.

This weekend I watched the best YouTube video ever, thanks to Carrie Breedlove, and laughed for the first time in hours.

So, tonight I asked myself that same question as I thought about the 5k in Houston this March. Am I ever going to make it? Tonight my answer is, by the grace of God, yes.

Unless the Rapture happens first.

Or that Mayan calendar thing.

In which case, I get heaven, and I've read 1st Corinthians. So I'm good with the hotness that will be Kelly.

Not to mention the Wedding Supper of the Lamb, aka the return of starchy carbs. *sigh*

Because Chicks Are Warriors Too

So, I was hanging out last night at the casa making a to-do list. Yes, a to-do list. I think it was the first one I've ever made, but 2012 is shaping up to be one of the biggest years of my life, so it required a to-do list. *sigh* I'm becoming that girl.


So, Erica was looking over my shoulder as I was working on one of the categories (I'm pretty sure not only making a to-do list, but creating categories to organize it, makes me absolutely hopeless), and she said,

"Where's your fitness section?"
"Well, that entails all of 'go work out 4-5 times per week, and eat well'. Since this is a real check list that will involve checking things off and whatnot, I didn't think I should put something so ambiguous on there. I don't have any real 'goals' per se outside of 'get skinny'. Not really a checklist item."
"Well, what about your 5k?"
"What 5k?"
"The 5k you're going to do in March."
"Umm...apparently that one is in your dreams." <--- I'm not the nicest sometimes.
"Oh no, you're going to do a 5k. In March. Pick one."

So...I picked one. :)

But not just any one. Of course.

I picked this one:

 

 Because if you're going to run 3.1 miles, you might as well do it covered in mud. Oh, and jumping over fire. That's right. Fire.

 

It will be epic! March 17th, 2012, Houston, TX...who's in?

I am. 

http://www.dashofthetitans.com/

And yes, there is now a "Fitness" Category on my to-do list. And it's filled with a weekly training regimen. This is a crazy goal, given everything involved in this run, but I've got a little over 3 months to get it done. And I'm going to kill it. 

So, seriously, who's in? Because this won't be nearly as much fun with just me and Erica. I want to see some of y'all get nasty too.

No, I'm Not Having a Heart Attack, It's Just My Bicep is Sore. Really.

So, over the last couple of days I've been getting back into my workout program, and much to my joy have discovered I actually haven't lost much. I like to have a workout plan before I start, so that if it's too hard I use it as a goal to keep pushing through. When I had planned to do 20 minutes of cardio, I thought it was going to be tough, when in all actuality, I finished it thinking, "I could have possibly doubled that".


I was obviously delirious.


Perhaps it was the hum of a treadmill that I missed. Or the clanking of weights together along with the melodic grunting of some of the more awkward wannabe athletes at the gym, but suddenly I thought, "Hey, if I underestimated my cardio, then maybe I underestimated the weights too!"


I think you see where this is going.


So, I decided to do not only high rep, but heavy weights too. Yesterday I was stiff and sore, but it was "a good sore". Today I'm stiff and sore, but it's a "kill me now" sore.


No, really, it would be a humane killing. A mercy killing, if you will.

I know what all of you are thinking, "but it's worth it Kelly! Or, it will be worth it when you see the results you want!". Let me tell you, it kinda feels like it's similar to saying, "let me punch you in the nose to clear up your sinuses". It might be worth it, but dang it better work.

So until my next appointed sweat sesh later this afternoon, I'll be laying on the couch watching The Hustler (which I'm watching for the first time, and so far, I do believe Mr. Paul Newman might be one of the dreamiest men ever) and trying to move as little as possible. Even my abs are telling me to stop breathing.

And you think about that mercy killing.

Sometimes All You Can Say is Wow.

Today is one of those days. Well, actually it started yesterday, but I'm still kinda basking in it now.


So, Wednesday I wrote the last blog as a form of a confession. Genuinely, I just thought, you know there have been so many people who have been supportive and encouraging, and I'm letting my fear and embarrassment keep me from not only doing what I desire, but also from being honest about where I'm at with a community who obviously loves me. And that's ridiculous. My fear was that I'd receive more than one friend's rebuke saying, "Kelly, you are squandering this opportunity you have to _____", or worse, "what a waste". I can be really mean to me, and for some reason, I fear that that means that you will be too. I know that most of us are our own worst critics, but isn't that just a pretty way of saying, sometimes most of us are really mean to ourselves?


So, instead of being mean to me, Wednesday night I got on the elliptical, and lifted weights. Not at the same time, I'm not THAT amazing! I kept my heart rate up, and started dripping some sweat in the work out room, and it was awesome! I even took pictures and recorded some of it as a way to look back on it one day and see how far I've come. Like this:

Yep, those are 5lbs weights, yes, I used to use 12lbs weights for lateral raises, but it's a start. Actually, technically, this was the last exercise I did in my work out the other night, so what you see here is 45 minutes of fatiguing my body with cardio, bench presses, squats, crunches, shoulder presses, and this. Repeat, then repeat again, and film yourself sweaty and out of breath.

Oh, and it took me like 45 minutes to figure out how to convert that from a video on my iphone, to a "movie" I could play in my blog. And it still isn't impressive. There may not be many video postings in the future until I learn how to actually make it look alright. Oh well, it was worth a shot!

After said workout, I went to bed a nasty, yet smiley, mess.

Thursday was a different story.

I have this habit of checking my email and Facebook when I wake up in the morning. Well, most mornings at least. This probably stems from my extremely extroverted soul saying, "If you're going to trap me in the house alone today while you look for work, you're at least going to give me the morning to have pseudo-social interaction through the internet". And because my inner Kelly can be extremely bossy, I got on Facebook and read my comments on the blog from the day before.

And then I read them 47 more times.

That's probably not much of an exaggeration.

Not only did I not have a single friend who said something about me being an ungrateful person who had a misappropriation of my time, but i had multiple friends tell me I had inspired them. Really? Me? Or, that God had used what I shared about getting back in step without shaming myself as a way to speak to their hearts  and souls. Again, really? He used me? What actually came out of my groggy little heart, and then my wide awake mind as I read and re-read all of the beautiful comments I got was, "There's no way. Really? What? Oh, wow! Look at that! Oh man, I love her. That was so sweet! Wow, she reads my blog? This is so cool. I can't believe that this has possibly impacted someone", and then it hit me, if this helped any one of these people truly, then maybe I'm not alone. Maybe we're not alone. Maybe this isn't about being embarrassed or ashamed, but maybe it's just about being alive and human on planet earth. Maybe I'm not looked down upon, maybe I'm loved. Maybe you're not looked down upon, and I know you're loved, because you're at least loved by me. Maybe when we fall off the wagon, we CAN just skip the step where we beat ourselves up as we watch said wagon just roll on by.

Maybe we can just say, "I fell down. And it hurt. But I'm back up, and I'm looking to kick a little ass".

I like that version better.

Thanks for helping me know that it's true.

So, I had some Kashi cereal for breakfast. And when I met with a friend for lunch, I had the salmon instead of a burger. And when I went home, I changed into my workout clothes and left immediately for the gym and got a killer back and biceps workout. And I did it all out of a heart that was excited and ready to kick some ass, rather than a heart that was crushed under the weight of my own self condemnation and judgement.

So, here's a very very real thank you to all of my friends and family who helped me experience that freedom! I pushed myself through that workout thinking about you, and your life giving words. Today my whole body is hurting, but I'm not sure that it ever hurt so good. Again, thank you.

And speaking of the gym, and thank yous, I also received this text message from my roommate Erica who happens to be a personal trainer at Lifetime. Adrianne is also known as the General from previous posts:

Whoever you are, thank you. I am blown away by your generosity. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you all for believing in me. Thank you for helping me choose life over shame, and hard work over hard judgement. Looks like I'll not only be getting some usage out of my home workout room, but I'll be gracing the doors of the Disney Land of gyms for the next few months too. Which is awesome, because right now my buns are so sore I could really use the hot tub.

That was probably too much information.

But it probably also made you giggle, and therefore it was worth it.

Talk to you soon!!!

Kelly