So, the last time I was here I was mapping out a whole diet and exercise plan that was going to just kill it for me. Then next thing I know I go into some kind of crazy flu like plague, so I don't make it beyond the first couple of weeks. I went ultra low carb and started to work out consistently all for the first time really since dropping so much weight. So during this crazy flu like time (where I'm feeling ok...ie no actual fever), my body was getting crazy hot, but I was freezing. All. Of. The. Time. A friend at work suggested I was menopausal. I gave her an AMAZING "go to H E Double Hockey Sticks" look and not so gently reminded her that I was only 33. Then promptly cried into my beef jerky while my body roasted in an ice cube.
The crazy inferno blizzard all came to a head on a beautiful June night (yes those can happen in Texas), when a sweet man I met a few years ago invited me to walk on fire. As in, light wood on fire, let it burn, and then spread the embers along the ground, and walk BAREFOOT across them. On purpose. Of course I jumped at the opportunity! I had done one of Charles' fire walking events once before, and this was perfect timing for me. I was starting a new journey of intentionally busting out those last 100lbs, and now I was given the chance to stare down some fire and overcome fear, overcome anxiety, overcome the pain, overcome every obstacle, and I was stoked. I cannot more highly recommend it if you ever get the opportunity!!
So I pulled up to his home and by the grace of God and some amazing guidance from the fire walking instructors, I walked.
And then I fainted.
Like true blue fainted.
One minute I'm swaying to the music thinking about how excited I was to face this challenge, and the next minute I'm falling forward (TOWARD the fire mind you, because, you know, I'm me and I've got to mix it up a bit right???), falling into someone's arms, all to the sounds of a beautiful Baritone voice singing This Is the Moment from Jekyll and Hyde.
I was SO embarrassed. The folks at the fire walk were AMAZING. Genuinely. But my soul had just gone from Rocky Balboa defeating the Russian, to Rudy getting pulverized by something twice my size. From the mountain top to the back alley in one broadway show tune. Everyone was so gracious, so concerned, and so generous with their support. I, however, went right back into my routine of beating myself up, and just wanting to hide.
So beat myself up and hide I did. All because I fell.
I immediately increased my carb intake back to normal human levels, and stopped working out. Mystery fever went away, and I went a little crazy. Every diet that has ever worked for me historically has been a low carb diet. But what I never knew back then was that I was diabetic, or on my way to becoming one.
Now I was not only NOT diabetic, I actually run a little low most of the time. I went from blood sugar levels in the 600's to blood sugar levels in the 60's. Then, I was actively working out 1-2 times per day (that's right...two-a-days), now I was working out like 1-2 times per quarter. In other words I went from 0-90 in about 3 seconds and for some reason my body didn't like it. So I fainted.
If only I had been so gentle with myself back then. I might not have waited 4 months to update my blog with my results.
So, here it goes...it's been four months, and I have gained, yes gained 12lbs. I was 262lbs, now I'm 274lbs.
I ate whatever I wanted, became paranoid about what diet would work for me, and seriously contemplated shutting down my blog. I can't tell you how many times I laid alone in bed wondering if I had taken off 180lbs (down from the ultimate high of 450lbs), only to gain it all back by next Christmas. I would look at my loose size 24s and wonder if I needed to save some money to get my 34s back.
I just knew it was all too good to be true.
Then things started to change. One of my best friends, Bobby, got a job where he was working from home, and I started to think through all of the ways I would change my life if I got the opportunity to work from home. I would start cooking again (something I truly miss). I would use my lunch breaks to work out (because who cares if you're a stinky sweaty mess on your couch?). I would regroup, refocus, and try again.
Then something truly crazy happened. I got the opportunity to work from home. Not every day, but a couple of days per week. And. I. Love. It!
I got to sleep in an extra 45 minutes without my commute, shower, or basic practice of human hygiene. I got to snack on chips and salsa while working on reports, and run to the Sonic by my house for lunch. I got to gain more weight.
So Friday I was sitting at home reading emails when I remembered. This isn't what I was dreaming about. What happened to the girl who would be marinating chicken to grill? Or doing bicep curls in-between emails? What happened to the hour long lunch on the treadmill, and the Tabata squat fest break. That's right, I said squats, Tabata style! Where was Rocky?
Where was the Kelly that cared, and yes, might get beat up, but Got. Back. Up?
She was here. On my couch. Eating chips and queso.
And for the first time in months, I grieved.
I grieved over my feelings of failure, my feelings of shame, my fears that I wouldn't make it. I grieved over the loss of my Dad and some of those catalysts that got me in the 200's. I didn't cry, I grieved. And I got back up.
I logged off for my lunch break and got on the treadmill.
I went into the workout room and lifted weights.
I got back up.
Because we ALL get knocked down.
Relapse is absolutely a part of recovery. It's not about whether or not I fall. I absolutely will fall. But will I get back up?
This time I did. And I'm better for it.
Someone ring the bell, it's time for the next round.
So beat myself up and hide I did. All because I fell.
I immediately increased my carb intake back to normal human levels, and stopped working out. Mystery fever went away, and I went a little crazy. Every diet that has ever worked for me historically has been a low carb diet. But what I never knew back then was that I was diabetic, or on my way to becoming one.
Now I was not only NOT diabetic, I actually run a little low most of the time. I went from blood sugar levels in the 600's to blood sugar levels in the 60's. Then, I was actively working out 1-2 times per day (that's right...two-a-days), now I was working out like 1-2 times per quarter. In other words I went from 0-90 in about 3 seconds and for some reason my body didn't like it. So I fainted.
If only I had been so gentle with myself back then. I might not have waited 4 months to update my blog with my results.
So, here it goes...it's been four months, and I have gained, yes gained 12lbs. I was 262lbs, now I'm 274lbs.
I ate whatever I wanted, became paranoid about what diet would work for me, and seriously contemplated shutting down my blog. I can't tell you how many times I laid alone in bed wondering if I had taken off 180lbs (down from the ultimate high of 450lbs), only to gain it all back by next Christmas. I would look at my loose size 24s and wonder if I needed to save some money to get my 34s back.
I just knew it was all too good to be true.
Then things started to change. One of my best friends, Bobby, got a job where he was working from home, and I started to think through all of the ways I would change my life if I got the opportunity to work from home. I would start cooking again (something I truly miss). I would use my lunch breaks to work out (because who cares if you're a stinky sweaty mess on your couch?). I would regroup, refocus, and try again.
Then something truly crazy happened. I got the opportunity to work from home. Not every day, but a couple of days per week. And. I. Love. It!
I got to sleep in an extra 45 minutes without my commute, shower, or basic practice of human hygiene. I got to snack on chips and salsa while working on reports, and run to the Sonic by my house for lunch. I got to gain more weight.
So Friday I was sitting at home reading emails when I remembered. This isn't what I was dreaming about. What happened to the girl who would be marinating chicken to grill? Or doing bicep curls in-between emails? What happened to the hour long lunch on the treadmill, and the Tabata squat fest break. That's right, I said squats, Tabata style! Where was Rocky?
Where was the Kelly that cared, and yes, might get beat up, but Got. Back. Up?
She was here. On my couch. Eating chips and queso.
And for the first time in months, I grieved.
I grieved over my feelings of failure, my feelings of shame, my fears that I wouldn't make it. I grieved over the loss of my Dad and some of those catalysts that got me in the 200's. I didn't cry, I grieved. And I got back up.
I logged off for my lunch break and got on the treadmill.
I went into the workout room and lifted weights.
I got back up.
Because we ALL get knocked down.
Relapse is absolutely a part of recovery. It's not about whether or not I fall. I absolutely will fall. But will I get back up?
This time I did. And I'm better for it.
Someone ring the bell, it's time for the next round.
