A Lesson in Fainting

So, one of the things I've struggled with in 2014 has been consistency of any kind. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm incredible at consistently being self indulgent. Case in point: I was just at work the other day talking about how I was about to start getting serious about my work outs...literally SECONDS after said conversation I'm volunteering to go on a DQ run. Because what people who are serious about building muscle and losing weight are all about are Pumpkin Pie Blizzards. Oh Lord those are good. So. Very. Good. 

So, the last time I was here I was mapping out a whole diet and exercise plan that was going to just kill it for me. Then next thing I know I go into some kind of crazy flu like plague, so I don't make it beyond the first couple of weeks. I went ultra low carb and started to work out consistently all for the first time really since dropping so much weight. So during this crazy flu like time (where I'm feeling ok...ie no actual fever), my body was getting crazy hot, but I was freezing. All. Of. The. Time. A friend at work suggested I was menopausal. I gave her an AMAZING "go to H E Double Hockey Sticks" look and not so gently reminded her that I was only 33. Then promptly cried into my beef jerky while my body roasted in an ice cube. 

The crazy inferno blizzard all came to a head on a beautiful June night (yes those can happen in Texas), when a sweet man I met a few years ago invited me to walk on fire. As in, light wood on fire, let it burn, and then spread the embers along the ground, and walk BAREFOOT across them. On purpose. Of course I jumped at the opportunity! I had done one of Charles' fire walking events once before, and this was perfect timing for me. I was starting a new journey of intentionally busting out those last 100lbs, and now I was given the chance to stare down some fire and overcome fear, overcome anxiety, overcome the pain, overcome every obstacle, and I was stoked. I cannot more highly recommend it if you ever get the opportunity!!

So I pulled up to his home and by the grace of God and some amazing guidance from the fire walking instructors, I walked. 

And then I fainted. 

Like true blue fainted. 

One minute I'm swaying to the music thinking about how excited I was to face this challenge, and the next minute I'm falling forward (TOWARD the fire mind you, because, you know, I'm me and I've got to mix it up a bit right???), falling into someone's arms, all to the sounds of a beautiful Baritone voice singing This Is the Moment from Jekyll and Hyde. 

I was SO embarrassed. The folks at the fire walk were AMAZING. Genuinely. But my soul had just gone from Rocky Balboa defeating the Russian, to Rudy getting pulverized by something twice my size. From the mountain top to the back alley in one broadway show tune. Everyone was so gracious, so concerned, and so generous with their support. I, however, went right back into my routine of beating myself up, and just wanting to hide.

So beat myself up and hide I did. All because I fell.

I immediately increased my carb intake back to normal human levels, and stopped working out. Mystery fever went away, and I went a little crazy. Every diet that has ever worked for me historically has been a low carb diet. But what I never knew back then was that I was diabetic, or on my way to becoming one.

Now I was not only NOT diabetic, I actually run a little low most of the time. I went from blood sugar levels in the 600's to blood sugar levels in the 60's. Then, I was actively working out 1-2 times per day (that's right...two-a-days), now I was working out like 1-2 times per quarter. In other words I went from 0-90 in about 3 seconds and for some reason my body didn't like it. So I fainted.

If only I had been so gentle with myself back then. I might not have waited 4 months to update my blog with my results.

So, here it goes...it's been four months, and I have gained, yes gained 12lbs. I was 262lbs, now I'm 274lbs.

I ate whatever I wanted, became paranoid about what diet would work for me, and seriously contemplated shutting down my blog. I can't tell you how many times I laid alone in bed wondering if I had taken off 180lbs (down from the ultimate high of 450lbs), only to gain it all back by next Christmas. I would look at my loose size 24s and wonder if I needed to save some money to get my 34s back.

I just knew it was all too good to be true. 

Then things started to change. One of my best friends, Bobby, got a job where he was working from home, and I started to think through all of the ways I would change my life if I got the opportunity to work from home. I would start cooking again (something I truly miss). I would use my lunch breaks to work out (because who cares if you're a stinky sweaty mess on your couch?). I would regroup, refocus, and try again.

Then something truly crazy happened. I got the opportunity to work from home. Not every day, but a couple of days per week. And. I. Love. It!

I got to sleep in an extra 45 minutes without my commute, shower, or basic practice of human hygiene. I got to snack on chips and salsa while working on reports, and run to the Sonic by my house for lunch. I got to gain more weight.

So Friday I was sitting at home reading emails when I remembered. This isn't what I was dreaming about. What happened to the girl who would be marinating chicken to grill? Or doing bicep curls in-between emails? What happened to the hour long lunch on the treadmill, and the Tabata squat fest break. That's right, I said squats, Tabata style! Where was Rocky?

Where was the Kelly that cared, and yes, might get beat up, but Got. Back. Up?

She was here. On my couch. Eating chips and queso.

And for the first time in months, I grieved.

I grieved over my feelings of failure, my feelings of shame, my fears that I wouldn't make it. I grieved over the loss of my Dad and some of those catalysts that got me in the 200's. I didn't cry, I grieved. And I got back up.

I logged off for my lunch break and got on the treadmill.

I went into the workout room and lifted weights.

I got back up.

Because we ALL get knocked down.

Relapse is absolutely a part of recovery. It's not about whether or not I fall. I absolutely will fall. But will I get back up?

This time I did. And I'm better for it.

Someone ring the bell, it's time for the next round.

30, 60, and 90 days o' fun!

So...it's been 14 months since my big surgery day, and in that time a few things have changed. I got a promotion, I bought a boat, my first ever new car, and a tiny little vacation property in Hot Springs, Arkansas that I'm absolutely in love with. My latest nephew, Colin came into the world, I went to Ireland with my brother, and in just a couple of weeks my oldest niece will be a teenager. I rode my bike more, kayaked for the first time (totally thought I would die when I flipped out of the kayak and learned the hard way that rivers keep flowing whether you are in your boat or not), and walked a 5k with my oldest brother (who skunked me, but I was still over 300lbs, and he's 6'1" and I'm 5'4", and...and...well, he skunked me). Oh, and I've lost 144lbs. 

So basically I've lost a lot of weight, and a lot of my savings account. But man has it been fun! 

My weight took a HUGE dive during the first 8 months or so post op, and then slowly yet surely I hit plateau after plateau. At first I was dropping 10lbs per week! Biggest Loser numbers without the joys of Jillian yelling at me to puke, or die but keep walking. Then after that point everything kind of just stopped. I'd stay the same weight for a week straight, gain a pound or two (how the heck does one GAIN weight after weight loss surgery???) for a week, lose that same pound or two for a week, wash, rinse, and repeat for the last 6 months straight. 

So, sometimes I'd want to blog, but wouldn't because I thought, "I haven't been that successful". Or I'd think, "man, I'm under 300lbs, I should blog!" But then I'd look at a picture and think I didn't really look any different, so I wouldn't. There were times when I thought "I should do a year in review", but then life was just busy with all of the kayaking, spending money, and whatnot, so I wouldn't. 

For the last week or so I've really been struggling with seeing the change. I look in the mirror and think, "I know I've lost weight, but do I still look like that 450lbs girl?" People still come to me and say they see a difference, but after 3 months of the scale telling me there hasn't been a difference, I can't help but think, maybe I haven't done as well as I thought? Next thing I know I'm staring at myself in the full length mirror in the bathroom at work, while drying my hands, thinking, "all of this change, and yet I'm still huge". I just don't see what they see. 

I know I'm probably just dealing with some body dismorphia, but knowing that's true, doesn't change my reflection. 

So, I decided to heck with the scale! It's time to hit up some new goals. Before I had surgery I was a beast in the gym. I was strong, determined, and steadfast, and I want that again. I also ate like a caveman, and felt great about it. 

So the other day a friend of mine at work and I were talking. She wants to lose some weight, and at 268lbs, I've still got plenty to lose myself, so we decided to do a friendly competition. Careful to not make it scale centric, I said, "why don't we take 30 days and stick, hardcore, to a diet? No cheats, and we have to log every single meal on My Fitness Pal before we go to bed at night. So that if I see you in the morning and you haven't logged your food, well, you better not have gone to sleep since yesterday! If one of us cheats, or forgets to log, we have to wash, and detail (interior and exterior) the other person's car! Whatever the scale does, who cares. In the end, we'll have totally changed our health, and worked on atleast one great behavior". Lara bit, and the competition starts tomorrow. What's funny is that since the goal isn't to be better than, or beat the other, I really get to be her biggest cheerleader in this, and vice versa. Competitive Kelly on the softer gentler cycle. I kind of like it. 

So, I'm starting my first diet since surgery. 14 months later and I'm finally going back to the healthy way of eating. I don't know if I'll lose a single pound, and honestly I'm not sure if I care. What I do know, is that I'm going to be a heck of a lot healthier than I was 30 days ago. 

My diet has one rule so far: stay under 40 grams of carbs per day. That's it. My body is VERY carb sensitive. Like flaming diabetic with blood sugar levels over 600 at one point carb sensitive, and I never EVER want to go back.  So reducing carbs has ALWAYS been beneficial for me. I would never recommend that for everyone else. I mean seriously, if I don't even use the same shampoo as you because we have different hair types, why would we assume our diets should be the same? I just know I feel very very healthy on a high protein, high fat, low carbohydrate diet, so for 30 days I'm going back to it. Carbs will be in the form of veggies, and fruit. In that order. Which is the part I dread. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right? 

But wait! There's more! 

While that's it for the diet challenge with Lara, I'm also going to take the next 90 days and take advantage of the fact that I live with a Personal Trainer (Lord help me). The first 30 days (June 16th - July 16th) I will be developing habits of working out five mornings per week at 6am, and doing yoga two nights per week at 6:15pm. Yep, that means a two a day work out twice per week (except of course at month end...I DO work in the mortgage industry after all). Great habits, and a full month to remind my body what sweat smells like. 

The second 30 days will be spent specifically on building muscle. That means lifting. Heavy. Which also means that I. Will. Be. Sore. But it'll be good. I've lost a lot of my old physical strength, and I want it back. Plus, I ain't gonna lie, now that I can see and feel bones I've NEVER seen nor felt, I kind of think they're weird looking and would like to put some pretty pretty muscle on top of them. July 16th through August 16th is my muscle building time. A lot can happen in 30 days, and I don't have any unreasonable expectations that I'll come out of it looking like Sarah from Chuck, but it'll help, right?

The third 30 day challenge for me (August 16th - September 16th) is for me to work on becoming the thing I've wanted to be since kindergarten. A runner. I've always been slow. I've always had terrible endurance, and month three is the time to change that. Month three is how long and hard can I go. Endurance month. My dream is that after a month I'd be able to run a full mile. 

So, Lara's on board, Erica's on board, and I know I've got the loving support of so many friends and family members. If you want to follow my food on My Fitness Pal, send me a friend request. 

Here's to the healthiest Kelly I've ever been in 90 days! This one ought to be a lot easier on ye olde check book at least. And here's to saying "screw you!" To the mirror when the girl in it lies.

After all, it's just a piece of glass. 

Before challenge pictures today. 

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 268lbs

Tank Top: Size 22/24

Capris: Size 24

Oh, and I NEVER wear a tank top in public...basically because I hate my arms. Buuuut I wanted to have some before pictures that showed my body. Just be thankful I didn't post the ones of me in my sports bra. 

And with THAT mental image...I hope you are all having a very Happy Father's Day!!! Hug your dads.

I'd give anything in the world to be able to hug mine again. 

Free Clothes! Annnnd I'm now accepting Gift Cards....

Hey Everyone! 

So I was going to post this as a Facebook status, but figured I talk WAY too much for that. SO, with that being said, here's a blog post for ya. 

I'm finally cleaning out my closet today. Which is both therapeutic, and possibly something that might lead me to therapy. It's hard to have always been the big girl who couldn't ever find clothes, to just yesterday I was at JC Pennys looking for sheets and glanced at the Women's section and found clothes that would be too big for me. I wasn't the biggest size they carried. I'm smaller than that. In other words, I'm getting more and more normal. 

And that's a little scary for me. 

So my bedroom looks like a tornado hit it. That tornado is called Kelly needs to get rid of anything and everything bigger than a 28. Why a 28 when I'm pushing a 24 now? Because my brain can't wrap around that number, and quite frankly I own like two things in a size 24 or smaller, so if I get rid of everything above a 24 I will either be doing laundry every two days, or extremely naked and stinky. And nobody wants that. Trust me. 

So my once overflowing drawers are becoming extremely bare. My once annoyingly full closet is getting very very empty. And it feels great. But it also feels terrifying, because I don't know that I've settled into my skin yet. The skin that lets me shop at JC Pennys. Or the skin that actually looked decent in a dress the other day. That's right facebookland, I, Kelly Lynch, wore a dress, and it wasn't for a wedding. 

I've actually always loved wearing dresses! I know, no one would believe that since my entire wardrobe has consisted of pants, but I love wearing dresses. I've just never worn them because I was self conscious about my body. My legs, my knees, my hips, and waist. 

Dresses don't hide body parts well, they accentuate them. And I've spent my entire life hiding my body, ashamed of how it looks. So, dresses couldn't be a part of my repertoire. Only last week I decided "screw this, I have a pretty red dress that is quickly getting too big for me, and I want to wear it at least once before I give it away!". So I put that dress on, did my hair up, and put on make up and went to work. 

And I almost pulled into Kohls to buy an outfit before walking in. 

The entire drive into work I did one of two things: I listened to Glee's version of I Feel Pretty/Unpretty, and I talked to one of my best friends on the phone. He was sweet with me. He listened to me drone on and on about being afraid that I would never be more than the side show circus freak, and also being afraid that I might really be pretty, and just never know it. Would I ever accept myself? Would the mirror ever show me kindness? In truth, would I ever show me kindness? 

The answer last week was though my emotions, my brain might be telling me that I was ugly and needed to hide, my actions, my will, was to put on a red dress and show up to work. I decided that though I wasn't feeling it in the slightest, I would act like I was owning that outfit. Fake it 'til you make it, right? And so I drove past Kohls. I walked right up to my office, and in I went to my desk. I didn't even make it to my chair before people on my team were making a huge fuss. I smiled, blushed, acted like it was no big deal, and hung on every word they said. 

I was pretty. 

They thought I was pretty. 

Here I was exposing myself in a way I had always tried to hide, and rather than being mocked, or laughed at, or worse, I was being appreciated and even complimented. I wish I could own that for myself. I wish I could look at me and like Rondale and say "Whaaaaat???" in a way only Rondale can, or like Cynthia say, "Ummm, hello Gorgeous!!" or have Leroy's constant belief that if I look good, I have a hot date. Heck, I still don't think any man would give me a second look, let alone be my hot date, but Leroy thinks I could. Or Bobby, who told me I was owning that dress. 

And I smile, and blush, and act like it's no big deal, while I hang on every word they say. 

But it's not just about wearing the dress. What about all of the comments and texts I've been getting from people telling me how good I look when I post a before and after picture on facebook? They chip away at those walls up around my heart and start to let a little light through. A little light that says, maybe you don't have to hide. Maybe the mirror is a liar. Maybe the mirror is just a piece of glass, and you've been really mean to yourself for a really long time Kell. 

So, today I'm cleaning out my closet. I'm getting rid of all of my size 34, 32, and 30 clothes because I'm not that girl. That was all just a shield to hide who I am. And I'm still trying to figure out who that girl is, but I'm spending less time trying to hide her. I'm a solid 26 now (really I'm a 24, I just don't have very many 24's), and I'm trying to learn how to be ok with that. 

The sad thing is that that red dress was already too big for me. So it's now folded neatly in a black garbage sack to be given away. I only ever wore it once, but I hope it does for some other girl what it did for me. I hope it makes them feel pretty. 

Speaking of...if you or someone you know wants my old clothes, send me a message. I personally know how hard it can be to find clothes that fit, and I've spent more money than I care to share on these clothes (especially since plus sized jeans don't come for anything less than $60 a pair). If you want them, they are all your's! If not, they are going to Good Will this week while I go off to Ireland. And when I come back, I get to be the new Kelly. Well, at least I get to work on being her. 

With a slightly emptier closet. 

This Just Practically Stopped my Heart

September 2012 - 7 months prior to surgery

February 4th 2014 - 10 months post op. 

I think I'm done for the day. Completely blown away. I genuinely didn't know how far I had come. Wow. 

Oh Blogger My Blogger

So I logged on to my blog again today. It's been a while, but after more than a handful of my very kind intentioned friends came to me and said, "Hey crazy! Remember back when you used to write? You should keep doing that" I thought I'd log in and see if this thing still worked. And since passive aggressive is one of the many ways to my heart, right up there with cheesecake and guacamole (though not together...although I say that now, and suddenly I'm wondering if an avocado cheesecake might ACTUALLY be the answer to world peace), I bring to you my latest blog. Hope you enjoy.

Where have I been? Well, this time I have a good excuse, and by good excuse I mean I don't only have the excuse of being lazy. Shortly after I wrote last, my company called upon me to go off to St Louis, MO for three months straight. During winter. That last part was just mean. From October 17th through January 17th I lived out of a suitcase, ate gourmet McDonalds, and met some truly truly wonderful people, all while missing the heck out of my friends and family back home and even my gym. Heck, I even missed my scale, snarky little thing that she is. Every Monday morning I woke up way too early to head to the airport and every Thursday or Friday I came home exhausted hoping I had accomplished something good for my team that week. Every Saturday and Sunday was laundry and sleeping time, only to wash, rinse, and repeat for the next week. I decided I love travelling, but maybe not THAT often.

A lot of times I thought, "Gee, I should write a post about this", or "man, that'd be hilarious on my blog", etc. But most of the time I just worked, or watched Netflix, or talked on the phone in my hotel room. And that's a bit of a shame because there was a lot to catch you up on. So here's one of the stories I wanted to tell you that we missed:

I bought new clothes. Clothes that actually fit. It's amazing what having clothes that actually fit can do for you, and man, I have the BEST built in clothes shopper in the world in the form of my sister in law JoDee. Seriously the only thing that could make her better is a British accent, or a catch phrase like, "make it work". I am now giggling to myself imagining her coming up with catch phrases...most of which would not be appropriate for a family blog like this one.

I have not gotten rid of old clothes yet. I know, I know, I should. I even need to. I just struggle with it. Sometimes it's because I think about the old me and how hard it was to find clothes that fit me, and worry that I won't be able to find clothes again if I get rid of these. Sometimes it's just because I get completely overwhelmed by the size of the task and so I don't do it. "Hey Kell, let's clean out your closet" is beginning to sound a bit like, "Hey Kell, let's go take a stroll up Everest". Both comments are met with an intense level of eye rolling on my part...and in all honesty more than a little bit of, "heck yes!!" from my more adventurous side.

So, what about those clothes? When I walked into Torrid that afternoon with JoDee I was wearing a size 34 pair of jeans. The largest pair of pants I owned at any point in time was a size 36 pair of khaki colored jeans that are now folded neatly in a hall closet so that I never forget, but most of the time in my 400+lbs body I was comfortable in a size 34. Right before surgery though, I was pushing the boundaries of those jeans, and even my 34's were leaving little red circumferences begging my midsection to shrink down just a wee little bit. By the time JoDee and I went shopping, I was spending a good deal of my time walking around holding my pants up lest I get ticketed for public indecency.

JoDee had me try on all kinds of clothes. Casual clothes, clothes for work, etc. I learned the joys of what a nicely layered jacket over a cute blouse with the right structural support (read also "a bra that actually fits" and "Kelly bought her first pair of Spanx") can do for you. But it was the moment when JoDee handed me a pair of jeans and told me to try them on that I wanted to freak out. It's not that I never wore jeans, I practically live in them as soon as I get off of work. It's that these jeans were a size 26. Twenty six. Veintiseis. Vieght-six (according to my French speaking friends...friend...well, Erica who took lots of French....nevermind). The last time I had been a size 26 was in high school when I was a 26/28. All of the sudden my fun time shopping with JoDee was about to become real, and I was going to be met with the mortifying failure all over again.

A little back story (hey, these posts aren't exactly known for being short!)...I had my surgery in April 2013. Earlier that year in January I had gone shopping for jeans. Remember how I said that those 34s were getting a little bit tight? Well, they had gone too far and started getting down right uncomfortable, and every Friday my company allows us to wear jeans, so off to Avenue I went in search of a little bit wider cut version of the 34's. Unfortunately Avenue doesn't carry size 34 jeans. I was bigger than the plus size store. Not allowing that to break my heart too deeply, off to Catherines (another plus sized women's clothing store for, let's say, the more mature vintage of plus sized women) I went to see if I could find a pair of size 34's. Catherine's had always been a good back up, especially if I wanted something that might make me look like I was a grandma. I went in the store empty handed, and I walked out of the store in the same manner. They had 34's, but none of them fit.

While all of Nationstar Mortgage would be able to enjoy jeans on Friday, I would not. 

Because I was too big. I was bigger than big. I was too big.

I came home that night and told Erica that I couldn't find any jeans in my size, but that it was alright, because I should probably wear dress slacks all week and impress the big wigs anyways.

Truth was I was just embarrassed.

So here I was in Torrid with all of these emotions swirling up inside of me as JoDee handed me a pair of 26's. I said, "Do they have any 28's? I really don't think these will fit me. I wasn't even a 26 in high school". To which JoDee confidently said, "Just trust me and go try them on". So trust her I did. Well, sort of. I walked defeatedly into the dressing room, and looked at my newly shrunken body in the mirror. I stared at my smaller hips, and sucked in my ever loosening belly in hopes that I might actually be small enough. And then I just sighed. I knew that these jeans wouldn't fit me, and I looked myself in the eyes and said, "Kell, it's ok if they don't fit. It's ok. They'll fit soon enough. Give yourself time. They'll fit".

Then slowly yet surely I pulled the jeans up.

First step. They fit around my thighs. Heck, they even made my thighs look slim? Huh? THAT'S weird.

Second stop, my hips. No way on God's green earth would 26's come around these "drop a baby like it's hot birthing hips" and yet they slid up and around my hips no problem.

Step three, oh lovely step three, the button and zipper.  Friends, if you think my being able to buckle the belt on an airplane inspired dancing, you should have seen the way I jumped up and down in that dressing room when my new favorite pair of SIZE TWENTY SIX jeans zipped up and buttoned WITHOUT, might I say again, WITHOUT the need for a pair of pliers, or a crowbar of any kind. They zipped, and I almost screamed. Of course screaming in a dressing room is more than likely socially unacceptable, and I didn't want to embarrass JoDee (she was my ride after all), so instead my hands flung to my mouth and I jumped up and down like an idiot in a pair of dark blue size 26 jeans and a bra.

At this point I was done. I was willing too drain my entire savings account and buy every article of clothing this lovely lovely store would sell me, simply because I could. Several jackets, blouses, jeans, slacks, and one adorable red pea coat later (for St Louis of course), I can say I didn't drain my savings, but I did spend more in one shopping trip than I ever had. In. My. Life. But to this day, I get compliments on nearly everything JoDee picked out for me.

Speaking of to this day. I'm wearing those adorable blue jeans right now as I type this. And they are getting a little baggy. I tried on a pair 24's the other night and they fit. I don't even know what to do with that sentence.

I went from 36's to 26's.
I went from 450+lbs to this morning I was 287lbs.
On April 2, 2013 I was 412lbs. That's 125lbs lost in less than a year.

It might be time to clean out my closet.

I wrapped up my traveling at the end of last week. I already miss my team out there, though I'm perfectly content with my Texas weather. My dog has finally stopped giving me attitude for abandoning him, and I'm ready to put my suitcase back in my closet until March when my brother Damien and I are going to Ireland. I'm back to my life, and so I'm back to my blog. Thanks for being patient with me. I have lots more stories to catch you up on, so for now we'll just take them one at a time. Until then, as always, thank you for your love and support. Thank you for being a reason that I smile. And thank you for listening and always giving me a reason to say, "I should write a blog about that". I still haven't figured out a purpose behind this thing at all. I don't have a mission here, or a reason to it, other than just to share my story with you. So, if you're reading this, thank you for being enough of a reason for this shrinking girl to write.

And JoDee, thanks for telling me to "just put it on". You change my life without even knowing it. I should tell you that more often.