So I was going to post this as a Facebook status, but figured I talk WAY too much for that. SO, with that being said, here's a blog post for ya.
I'm finally cleaning out my closet today. Which is both therapeutic, and possibly something that might lead me to therapy. It's hard to have always been the big girl who couldn't ever find clothes, to just yesterday I was at JC Pennys looking for sheets and glanced at the Women's section and found clothes that would be too big for me. I wasn't the biggest size they carried. I'm smaller than that. In other words, I'm getting more and more normal.
And that's a little scary for me.
So my bedroom looks like a tornado hit it. That tornado is called Kelly needs to get rid of anything and everything bigger than a 28. Why a 28 when I'm pushing a 24 now? Because my brain can't wrap around that number, and quite frankly I own like two things in a size 24 or smaller, so if I get rid of everything above a 24 I will either be doing laundry every two days, or extremely naked and stinky. And nobody wants that. Trust me.
So my once overflowing drawers are becoming extremely bare. My once annoyingly full closet is getting very very empty. And it feels great. But it also feels terrifying, because I don't know that I've settled into my skin yet. The skin that lets me shop at JC Pennys. Or the skin that actually looked decent in a dress the other day. That's right facebookland, I, Kelly Lynch, wore a dress, and it wasn't for a wedding.
I've actually always loved wearing dresses! I know, no one would believe that since my entire wardrobe has consisted of pants, but I love wearing dresses. I've just never worn them because I was self conscious about my body. My legs, my knees, my hips, and waist.
Dresses don't hide body parts well, they accentuate them. And I've spent my entire life hiding my body, ashamed of how it looks. So, dresses couldn't be a part of my repertoire. Only last week I decided "screw this, I have a pretty red dress that is quickly getting too big for me, and I want to wear it at least once before I give it away!". So I put that dress on, did my hair up, and put on make up and went to work.
And I almost pulled into Kohls to buy an outfit before walking in.
The entire drive into work I did one of two things: I listened to Glee's version of I Feel Pretty/Unpretty, and I talked to one of my best friends on the phone. He was sweet with me. He listened to me drone on and on about being afraid that I would never be more than the side show circus freak, and also being afraid that I might really be pretty, and just never know it. Would I ever accept myself? Would the mirror ever show me kindness? In truth, would I ever show me kindness?
The answer last week was though my emotions, my brain might be telling me that I was ugly and needed to hide, my actions, my will, was to put on a red dress and show up to work. I decided that though I wasn't feeling it in the slightest, I would act like I was owning that outfit. Fake it 'til you make it, right? And so I drove past Kohls. I walked right up to my office, and in I went to my desk. I didn't even make it to my chair before people on my team were making a huge fuss. I smiled, blushed, acted like it was no big deal, and hung on every word they said.
I was pretty.
They thought I was pretty.
Here I was exposing myself in a way I had always tried to hide, and rather than being mocked, or laughed at, or worse, I was being appreciated and even complimented. I wish I could own that for myself. I wish I could look at me and like Rondale and say "Whaaaaat???" in a way only Rondale can, or like Cynthia say, "Ummm, hello Gorgeous!!" or have Leroy's constant belief that if I look good, I have a hot date. Heck, I still don't think any man would give me a second look, let alone be my hot date, but Leroy thinks I could. Or Bobby, who told me I was owning that dress.
And I smile, and blush, and act like it's no big deal, while I hang on every word they say.
But it's not just about wearing the dress. What about all of the comments and texts I've been getting from people telling me how good I look when I post a before and after picture on facebook? They chip away at those walls up around my heart and start to let a little light through. A little light that says, maybe you don't have to hide. Maybe the mirror is a liar. Maybe the mirror is just a piece of glass, and you've been really mean to yourself for a really long time Kell.
So, today I'm cleaning out my closet. I'm getting rid of all of my size 34, 32, and 30 clothes because I'm not that girl. That was all just a shield to hide who I am. And I'm still trying to figure out who that girl is, but I'm spending less time trying to hide her. I'm a solid 26 now (really I'm a 24, I just don't have very many 24's), and I'm trying to learn how to be ok with that.
The sad thing is that that red dress was already too big for me. So it's now folded neatly in a black garbage sack to be given away. I only ever wore it once, but I hope it does for some other girl what it did for me. I hope it makes them feel pretty.
Speaking of...if you or someone you know wants my old clothes, send me a message. I personally know how hard it can be to find clothes that fit, and I've spent more money than I care to share on these clothes (especially since plus sized jeans don't come for anything less than $60 a pair). If you want them, they are all your's! If not, they are going to Good Will this week while I go off to Ireland. And when I come back, I get to be the new Kelly. Well, at least I get to work on being her.
With a slightly emptier closet.
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