I was in St Louis all week for work, and it began to become a town I love. Seriously, there were street dancers at one point. It was like living in a musical, which, I'm not gonna lie, would probably be my version of Heaven. Not that I think St Louis is Heaven, but I'd love to see Chuck Berry there so I could show off all of my cool Richland High School dance moves to Johnny B Goode. Let me tell you. They. Are. Cool.
So on my way back home I'm at the airport, and I notice that my typical window or aisle seat has somehow become the dreaded middle seat. Even though I have fit better and better in my OWN seat, the thought of inconveniencing two people, rather than just one with my inordinate girth causes a girl to stress just a bit.
So, I asked if there were any window or aisle seats available and they got me one at the back of the plane. With the equivalent of my Golden Ticket, I trotted off to the gate and waited for my ride home.
I walked down the aisle of the plane increasingly amazed at the fact that I didn't have to turn sideways like so many times before, and found my seat. Because I had checked my bag, I was one of the first groups to board, so I sat patiently waiting for my partner on this ride to show up. He was apparently in the last group to board because I was there for a while.
As I waited, I began to fidget with different things on the plane sometimes I swear I have the attention span of a gnat. Glance through the latest issue of Skymall, check. Play a game of solitaire on my Kindle, check. Stare at every passenger that comes by me in a halfway apologetic look that they may be the unlucky soul seated in 26A, check. Then I did something very different for me. I attempted to put on my seatbelt. Ok, so if you've never been in the 400+ pounds club, one thing you might not realize is that not every seatbelt in the world was made with you in mind. Some cars don't fit, and airplanes NEVER do. But airplanes have something that cars don't (which is awesome), called a seatbelt extension. You know those things they do your safety presentation with? Yeah, they actually let you have one to connect to your existing seatbelt to allow some more room. I've had to use one on every single flight I've ever been on, and I've been on a LOT of flights in my life. Granted the length of the extension keeps getting smaller and smaller over my last few sky taxi rides, but I still need it nonetheless.
So I'm sitting there waiting for my mystery man or woman to show, and I decide to gauge just how far away I am from the seatbelt fitting this time. That way I know that maybe my next trip out it'll work. Or worst case, when I fly to Ireland in March, it'll fit me just fine. Whatever the case may be. As I'm pulling the strap across my hips, guys, the most insane thing happens. I'm sure with all of this build up you've already guessed.
It CLICKS!!!!!
Cue Queen's We Are The Champions. I swear streamers fell from the oxygen mask's storage area, and a round of champaign was available for all.
After receiving congratulations from every passenger on the plane (in my imaginary world of course), I noticed a nice looking fellow walk up and stand beside me as he lifted his bag in the overhead compartment.
Oh no!! I just buckled my seat belt!!! What if after he sits next to me I'm not able to do it again! This was my first time ever! Go back to the front of the plane!!! I left a nice middle seat open about 15 rows up for you. Don't make me take off my seatbelt, I might not be able to get it back on, an I JUST retired my membership to the seatbelt extension club.
Dang it.
So I unclicked my favorite seatbelt on planet earth and stood up so that he could grab his window seat. I gave my apologetic smile as he ambled past me.
Down my butt went to my new seat of disappointment. Surely my moment of celebration was over. But I was going to give it another shot. I wiggled a bit, sucked in as much air as my lungs could hold, and
IT CLICKED!!!!
Re-cue We Are The Champions only this time with my seat mate joining in with a cigarette lighter app on his iPhone. No sense in going crazy thinking we could have a live flame on the plane.
Today seatbelt, next flight...tray table!!! Yeah, I gave it a shot, and no, that still doesn't quite go all the way down. But hey! My seatbelt clicked clicked clickitty clicked!!
84 pounds makes a difference.
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention? I'VE LOST EIGHTY FOUR POUNDS!! As of this morning I'm 328.0 lbs, for a grand total of eighty four pounds of Kelly gone.
So back to the flight. As I was sitting there basking in my skinnyness, the plane began to leap into the sky, and I heard a meowing.
All I could think was "WHO THE HECK DIDN'T TURN OFF THEIR CELL PHONE?!?!" All of my Kenpo lessons started coming to mind as I thought about how I would take down this teeny bopper terrorist with the meowing cat ringtone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, Kelly Lynch, would have been the hero. I probably need a cape as I already had the theme music from this flight.
Then I heard the flight attendant come on the speakers: "excuse me ladies and gentlemen, would the owner of the cat currently walking down the aisle of the airplane please retrieve your passenger?"
Every head on the plane suddenly leaned in to see the most adorable white kitten walking lost down the middle aisle of our ride. I'm not sure if she was taking drink orders or not, but I thought to myself, "the only way this flight could possibly get any better was if they handed out winning lotto tickets at the baggage claim back home!!!"
But I was wrong. As the lady behind me jumped from her seat to grab the cat and wrestle her back into her "carry on" a second (I can't make this up) cat emerged and began the same trek down the aisle of the air plane! He only made it a couple of rows before the guy in front of me caught him and passed him back.
Seriously. I had lost 84 pounds, fit in a seat belt, AND snuggled an adorable kitty cat on the best flight of my life.
Welcome Home Me!!
